Living unapologetically in pursuit of happiness.
I remember a time in my life when I carried around guilt like a piece of luggage. It was with me wherever I went, unbeknownst to me. It matched the entire luggage set, but carried lots of extra weight.
Always worrying about letting other people down, saying yes to things that every fiber of my being was deeply saying no to. I later realized that there were a few things going on. First and foremost, I had zero boundaries. I had cultivated relationships around me that were toxic, and then forced myself to keep those people around so that I didn’t feel rejected or alone.
I wanted a meal, and was being served crumbs – while convincing myself that I was lucky to get what I was getting. Making everything feel like a roller coaster ride, a game of cat and mouse. Zero consistency.
Okay, I don’t want to be on this ride anymore. Sorry, not sorry.
Making effort became part of my justification for how to ‘be a good person.’ Yes, it should come as no surprise that making effort and ‘showing up’ are part of the equation in otherwise, healthy relationships. Living unapologetically for me, at first, meant building up a lot of resentment for unacceptable behavior, and saying yes to things that I didn’t really want to do – and then breaking down. Sabotaging the relationship, ending things dramatically – feeling completely justified in my position, and never feeling like anyone ever understood me. Saying yes to things and then bailing at the last minute.
Reality check, they were being who they always were. I was just outgrowing, seeking more - wanting something deeper. Behaviors that I accepted for years, I was now beginning to question, dramatically. Naturally, they didn't get it.
Of course they didn’t, I didn’t even understand myself! Self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can’t really pinpoint the exact experience that catapulted me into another way of living, because it really was the culmination of everything up until that point. The point at which I stopped and said, who the hell am I doing this for? Who am I trying to please? Why the hell am I accepting crumbs when I want a freaking meal. I was hungry for life. I was hungry for control.
When letting control take the wheel, a whole other slew of issues came into play. Over compensating for years, aggression and a bunch of other deeply stored feelings took over. Now that I had the wheel, I wasn't giving it up for anyone. Which, as you probably guessed - left me feeling more of the same. Misunderstood, hardened to the world and self-righteous.
So, what I’ve described – and, I will spare you ALL the details of those days – is two extremes. Where I want to go next, is the balanced middle ground.
Walk along side me into a brave new world.
A world where people all come from a place of the truest integrity and honesty. There is no fear of 'hurting anyone's feelings' because the intention behind the action is always pure. No hidden agenda, no expectation that you need to complete something about the other person that is missing. No projections of the story they are telling themselves - on you.
Even just writing those words feels so extremely refreshing. This world is possible, and it starts with you. This requires, tuning into a new channel, a new frequency.
As humans, we pick up on each other's energy. We can feel the difference between someone who is standing confidently in their own shoes, declining an invitation to do something - because it's not a fit at that moment. Cool we move on - maybe next time!
The alternative is someone that says yes, yet still plans on bailing, standing you up - having so much fear in speaking their truth that they wrap an entire lie or narrative around it. Conversely, they show up and are completely checked out and you can feel the pull on them wanting to get back to whatever it is they were doing - or where they really want to be. You see, not standing in your truth isn't something that you keep hidden. It shows up in your actions, your intentions - and your vibes.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Ugh. Get a grip. Instead of lying to yourself, and apologizing to the person you've likely offended. Stop lying and apologize to yourself.
Stop saying yes, making plans and commitments knowing damn well you are going to flake the day before. Or, when someone gives you the 'out' you take it. Sure, those approaches will get you to your desired outcome, but the way you go about it contributes unnecessary energy to that luggage we spoke about.
You can deeply care about your people, while still caring about yourself. In fact, putting yourself first isn't selfish. I am also not asking you to be self-less. Can you think of anything worse, than to be so in service to everyone else that you are left with ZERO sense of self?
Being of service to yourself and others, while being honest about what you need - without projecting your guilt or lack of emotional oxygen onto everyone in your life - is what we need more of in this world.
Claim your space, fill your shoes - stop shrinking.
Sorry, not sorry - keeping this one straight to the point:
Pay attention to when you are living under a desire to please everyone else around you - you will give away your power, or better yet, your life force energy.
Keep your vibration high, look people in the eye - do what you say you are going to do, with your whole being behind it. Something comes up? Bring that same level of honesty, take the space you need - and then be sure to make it right, whatever that looks like for you.
Set your bar for personal integrity high. If you have a reason to be sorry, be sorry - and stop playing games.
And remember, what you are doing in an effort to make everyone feel more comfortable is pushing you further away from your own comfort. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Living an unapologetic life is deeply based in living your life with such a high regard for life itself, that you have zero reason to be sorry - and every reason to walk in your truth.
Be kind, be humble, be generous - unapologetically.